I just realized that I almost 2 months have passed since the new year began. My latest posts have been surrounding the “black lives matter” work happening in the St Louis area. It has been on my mind and in my heart. I have been praying and supporting those who are in the trenches. I will continue to do so.
I have also been fretting (meaning keenly aware of and maybe obsessing a little – definitely preoccupied) about my entry into the third part of my life. Well, unless I live to be over 90, which I suppose IS possible, I am in the last segment of my life. Using the 4 seasons, I am in the autumn. The body is definitely showing signs of wear and tear. Vision is going, hearing isn’t too bad, but things are starting to sag. Hair is changing. I am starting to forget things. I actually am getting hot flashes. My mountain climbing days are over! haha I laugh because I was never much good at climbing but now I can’t.
What surprises me is that I am not upset about it, I am not depressed or thinking that “It’s all downhill” from here as in doomsday, Although that metaphor would be good since the hard work has been done and now I can coast. I have been thrown into another time of disequilibrium where I am not really sure what my place/role is in this new episode. In the past I would be very stressed, ill-at-ease, worried, and anxious but today I am relatively calm and patiently waiting for God to reveal what comes next. The funniest thing is that this fretting about the decade change is about to be resolved because I will be one year older in just a few days. Now I can get on with it and stop thinking I’m in a new decade.
What has come to me is that I must let go of some things to make room for others. This has been hard to do. After some 25 years of youth ministry, I have chosen to love those kids from afar <smiles> that is not to be involved in the day to day work of that kind of ministry but rather help from the periphery. I took a leave of absence from the praise band and am focusing on getting my voice back in shape as a soprano singing in my range. I will be ever-grateful to the musicians I have worked with for giving me the opportunity to grow musically in ways I never thought possible. Styles I’d never tired, songs I didn’t think I could do, and always a chance to feel my way into something different. I’m also letting go of children. Yes, I know you never REALLY let them go but you do give them the space they need. We are empty nesters now (again!) and it is all about letting go so you can be something else. My spouse and I are discovering each other again. This is fun.
So what is next? I’m still in discernment but what is coming clear is that I will be doing spiritual direction and more retreat work. I am very much drawn to the visual and musical arts. While I have been involved in this way in the past, I seem to be moving into different areas. I am utilizing my writing skills for liturgical work, curriculum writing, and blogging! I look forward to what new directions I am being called. In all things prayer is keeping me steady, patient and grateful. I know more will be revealed. I trust in God’s time and I am feeling gratitude for the life I have had, excitement about the life to come.
During recent travels I came upon this sign in a diner. I was immediately struck by its truth. There are times when we feel so weak that we stumble, we find it hard to maintain our balance. We may feel lost, we may even move toward despair. But if we kneel – turn to God in prayer- we will find hope. Prayer is intimate connection with the Holy, the ever-present power of love. Kneeling can mean bowing down, recognizing that the controlling power resides not in us but in God. In That humbling of ourselves we come to see the loving, guiding hand that keeps us going. The hand that pulls us to our feet and gives us new life, new strength, new hope. Praise God!